this world is full
.......of Sex
people's Sex
walking talking bodies vehicles
of Sex
hands staple tape snap
making supper or
typing essays
shifting gears ............of Sex
holding shafts
invading canals...................... .....of Sex
stroke n' slap
man briskly walking
past me I wonder ...............of Sex
what does he fancy
in his offtime?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
For the Love of Goth
Every morning I commute the precarious yet gorgeous route 116 to 121 to 29 in order to get to work. On one particular strip of road, somewhere between the turn onto 121 and Clover Stornetta dairy, there is a section dotted with a few businesses and the street is lined with telephone wires.
And every morning I see hundreds of small blackbirds perch on the wires, like beads on a thread about to be tied upon a waiting neck. The air fowl are concentrated in 100 foot stretch within that section. Today the image was especially potent and ominous against a cheerless gray sky; yet I could have watched this community sit, loop, rotate, and re-perch themselves for hours.
I think, if I could be any animal, I would be a bird.
And every morning I see hundreds of small blackbirds perch on the wires, like beads on a thread about to be tied upon a waiting neck. The air fowl are concentrated in 100 foot stretch within that section. Today the image was especially potent and ominous against a cheerless gray sky; yet I could have watched this community sit, loop, rotate, and re-perch themselves for hours.
I think, if I could be any animal, I would be a bird.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Avert Your Eyes
I DON'T KNOW about other women, but when I am on my 'cycle', it tends to sneak up on my subconscious and become my dominant thought that keeps trying to slip out of my mouth, like a cat trying to dash out the front door while you're paying the delivery guy.
It's not an excuse, but more of a supplement to whatever it is I am saying or doing. Even after 156 'cycles' (13 years x 12 a year... yes I did the math) it hasn't become something I don't think about. I don't know about other women, but it's always there.
"Yes, can I have two iced coffees with room for milk? And I am bleeding from the vag. Actually, the cervix. Well to be more specific, I am shedding the inner tissue of the walls of my uterus. Thanks!"
"Alicia! When someone says stop, what does that mean?! SHEDDING TISSUE SHEDDING TISSUE SHEDDING. TISSUE. It means you stop. "
"I'm doing well actually, how are you? I am corked up. I am plugged and padded. And heavily medicated. Sedated. That's good to hear!"
"Can I have the Napa but without mayo? OH MY LORD THE FUCKING CRAMPS! UUUGHHHHHHHHHhhhhHHHhhhhhhHHHHOOOOOO MY GOOOOODDDDDDDD. Lettuce and tomato are fine."
It's not an excuse, but more of a supplement to whatever it is I am saying or doing. Even after 156 'cycles' (13 years x 12 a year... yes I did the math) it hasn't become something I don't think about. I don't know about other women, but it's always there.
"Yes, can I have two iced coffees with room for milk? And I am bleeding from the vag. Actually, the cervix. Well to be more specific, I am shedding the inner tissue of the walls of my uterus. Thanks!"
"Alicia! When someone says stop, what does that mean?! SHEDDING TISSUE SHEDDING TISSUE SHEDDING. TISSUE. It means you stop. "
"I'm doing well actually, how are you? I am corked up. I am plugged and padded. And heavily medicated. Sedated. That's good to hear!"
"Can I have the Napa but without mayo? OH MY LORD THE FUCKING CRAMPS! UUUGHHHHHHHHHhhhhHHHhhhhhhHHHHOOOOOO MY GOOOOODDDDDDDD. Lettuce and tomato are fine."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
You know when Tuesday is your Monday...
Weekend Nuggets: (not chicken)
+Sly calls me to come over Friday night. I sit for 15 minutes as a shell. Don't let him in, don't give him anything, get out. He mentions seeing a movie and my brain reels are we here again? This stop-start rush hour traffic relationship is exhausting. I leave, then remember that I am supposed to be more of an open communicator. I try to rationalize myself out of it. Does he really matter, is it worth it? I decide yes I don't feel good about myself right now, I feel like I am playing games and I hate games (unless it's Apples to Apples or a card game or something).
So I wheeled around, parked. Knocked can I come back in? Sat down. I wasn't honest with you. When you blew me off I was pissed. Your actions showed me you didn't really care and now, with you calling, it feels to me like you are using me when it's convenient and I cannot stand these mixed messages. I can't do this. I won't repeat the whole conversation, but I left feeling pretty confused, but really fucking amazing for "expressing my confidence" on someone for fucking with my emotions.
+After passing up the opportunity to hang with high schoolers in a warehouse-turned venue watching a few emo-punk-pop bands, Victoria and Peter and his buddies and I went to Trancas Steakhouse, drank, danced, and kareoked. Pete tripped around the dance floor with a drunken cougar, V and I blew out the eardrums of of kareoke dude whilst singing "More Than A Feeling," and striped-shirt guy stole my heart when he performed interpretive dance to "Turn Around (Bright Eyes)"
+Deliciousness .... brown butter sauce with crispy sage and herb ravioli. Homemade limoncello. J's birthday and just the right mix of folks. Craming in a taxi and feeling everyone's laugh. Cuuuute guy with a sleeve tat talking about noir comics and music across the table. Old Adobe Bar and Grill (dive dive dive) with a surly bartender finally warming up and releasing a mechanical mouse on us, skittling across the bar. Victoria and Peter saving my life and picking me up, so I can sleep in my own bed.
+O and I moving my set of furniture from its storage to my newish place. Realizing my desk was being used as a mail table in admin and taking that shiz back. Herro please.
+On a marvelous day that reminds me of when I was 8 and loved playing outside, walking a dog around Spring Lake and laughing with Sharon, one of the best people ever to laugh with. Darren, I can't wait until you find a lady friend who enjoys the peculiar kind of game that you spit.
+Being looked at in that way, and feeling beautiful, and knowing the right kind of guy just sniffed my hair when he hugged me, and delicately touches my knee when he walks by, and enjoying what it feels like to be sexy. Just for now. Watching Shatner and Spader make me love men again.
+Thrilled to be coexisting soon with one of the coolest ladies I've ever known.
Happy Tuesday.
+Sly calls me to come over Friday night. I sit for 15 minutes as a shell. Don't let him in, don't give him anything, get out. He mentions seeing a movie and my brain reels are we here again? This stop-start rush hour traffic relationship is exhausting. I leave, then remember that I am supposed to be more of an open communicator. I try to rationalize myself out of it. Does he really matter, is it worth it? I decide yes I don't feel good about myself right now, I feel like I am playing games and I hate games (unless it's Apples to Apples or a card game or something).
So I wheeled around, parked. Knocked can I come back in? Sat down. I wasn't honest with you. When you blew me off I was pissed. Your actions showed me you didn't really care and now, with you calling, it feels to me like you are using me when it's convenient and I cannot stand these mixed messages. I can't do this. I won't repeat the whole conversation, but I left feeling pretty confused, but really fucking amazing for "expressing my confidence" on someone for fucking with my emotions.
+After passing up the opportunity to hang with high schoolers in a warehouse-turned venue watching a few emo-punk-pop bands, Victoria and Peter and his buddies and I went to Trancas Steakhouse, drank, danced, and kareoked. Pete tripped around the dance floor with a drunken cougar, V and I blew out the eardrums of of kareoke dude whilst singing "More Than A Feeling," and striped-shirt guy stole my heart when he performed interpretive dance to "Turn Around (Bright Eyes)"
+Deliciousness .... brown butter sauce with crispy sage and herb ravioli. Homemade limoncello. J's birthday and just the right mix of folks. Craming in a taxi and feeling everyone's laugh. Cuuuute guy with a sleeve tat talking about noir comics and music across the table. Old Adobe Bar and Grill (dive dive dive) with a surly bartender finally warming up and releasing a mechanical mouse on us, skittling across the bar. Victoria and Peter saving my life and picking me up, so I can sleep in my own bed.
+O and I moving my set of furniture from its storage to my newish place. Realizing my desk was being used as a mail table in admin and taking that shiz back. Herro please.
+On a marvelous day that reminds me of when I was 8 and loved playing outside, walking a dog around Spring Lake and laughing with Sharon, one of the best people ever to laugh with. Darren, I can't wait until you find a lady friend who enjoys the peculiar kind of game that you spit.
+Being looked at in that way, and feeling beautiful, and knowing the right kind of guy just sniffed my hair when he hugged me, and delicately touches my knee when he walks by, and enjoying what it feels like to be sexy. Just for now. Watching Shatner and Spader make me love men again.
+Thrilled to be coexisting soon with one of the coolest ladies I've ever known.
Happy Tuesday.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Duh
So on a weekly basis, the children I work with come to me with some kind of complaint about who they hang out with. My advice is always the same, isn't it.
Well if you don't like how they treat you, don't be their friend.
If you're not happy when you're with them, don't be their friend.
Do you think it's more important to like yourself, or to be liked by someone else?
A good friendship is a friendship where you feel happy with who you are, not unhappy cause you feel you need to be someone else.
I think I should model the behavior that I preach.
Monday, my coworker friend J recieved a bouquet of flowers from this guy S she had been seeing for less than a week. I have been 'seeing' Sly for almost 4 months and ... (cue the whistling wind sound affect... tumbleweed rolls by... wind again..)
So I realized (yes, I understand most of my friends knew this already, and I knew it too. To quote V, I "just need to believe it.") that Sly first of all, SUCKS, and second of all, was not appreciatative of all I could offer as a person.
It's as if I'm this wicked piece of elaborate machinery, such as an iPhone(tm) . And here's SLY, with this awesome phone, and this amazing manual he could consult for all the possible ways he can appreciate the phone, and there are even CLASSES ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR iPHONE(tm), and he is SURROUNDED by people who treat their iPHONE(tm) SO WELL, and what does he do?!?! Nothing. He's just thinking, oh, I'll use my iPhone(tm) when I'm lonely, or need my back scratched, or my dick sucked.
I'm sorry, but the iPhone's(tm) were not just made for GOING DOWN ON YOU AFTER ONLY 5 MINUTES OF MAKING OUT WHEN I AM PRETTY SURE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE MY VAGINA IS AND NO I WAS NOT KIDDING WHEN I ASKED YOU TO RETURN THE FAVOR AFTER I GAVE YOU A BACK MASSAGE. YOU. DOUCHEBAG.
I am of course speaking metaphorically.
Well if you don't like how they treat you, don't be their friend.
If you're not happy when you're with them, don't be their friend.
Do you think it's more important to like yourself, or to be liked by someone else?
A good friendship is a friendship where you feel happy with who you are, not unhappy cause you feel you need to be someone else.
I think I should model the behavior that I preach.
Monday, my coworker friend J recieved a bouquet of flowers from this guy S she had been seeing for less than a week. I have been 'seeing' Sly for almost 4 months and ... (cue the whistling wind sound affect... tumbleweed rolls by... wind again..)
So I realized (yes, I understand most of my friends knew this already, and I knew it too. To quote V, I "just need to believe it.") that Sly first of all, SUCKS, and second of all, was not appreciatative of all I could offer as a person.
It's as if I'm this wicked piece of elaborate machinery, such as an iPhone(tm) . And here's SLY, with this awesome phone, and this amazing manual he could consult for all the possible ways he can appreciate the phone, and there are even CLASSES ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR iPHONE(tm), and he is SURROUNDED by people who treat their iPHONE(tm) SO WELL, and what does he do?!?! Nothing. He's just thinking, oh, I'll use my iPhone(tm) when I'm lonely, or need my back scratched, or my dick sucked.
I'm sorry, but the iPhone's(tm) were not just made for GOING DOWN ON YOU AFTER ONLY 5 MINUTES OF MAKING OUT WHEN I AM PRETTY SURE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE MY VAGINA IS AND NO I WAS NOT KIDDING WHEN I ASKED YOU TO RETURN THE FAVOR AFTER I GAVE YOU A BACK MASSAGE. YOU. DOUCHEBAG.
I am of course speaking metaphorically.
One Friday Night
The last time I'll let him under my skin..
I accepted an offer to party in Napa with J. We met up with a possible interest of hers and his cousin. J lays down subtle and not-so-subtle suggestions that I should hook up with this cousin. He seems cute enough. The way he forces his humor on the group gets to me. It's as if he pulled out a heady air freshener and keeps spraying it above the table. Maybe it wouldn't be so obnoxious if I wasn't drinking. I get it. Ok. Haha. After a jaunt to a pretentious bar, and a visit to a dive bar that seems to sit on the complete opposite side of the class spectrum, I am 5 shots deep and falling asleep on J's couch while she cuddles with S, and his cousin E, asks me to spoon with him.
I am pretending to sleep while J is kissing face with S, and E is snoring in my ear. I am tempted to lean over, grab my phone, and record his noise. I have never heard anything like it. I shift my weight a few times to jostle him, but it only gets me a minute or so of peace before he starts 'er up again. I am cuddling with a buzz saw.
When J and S move into her room to get some sleep, I pop up like a zombie corpse and S looks at me like I am one. (Oh I thought she was passed out! Weird!) and I stake my claim on the abandoned couch. Muffin the cat is my only night companion and I couldn't be happier. And I stretch out and happily leave buzz saw behind me. And I don't let he-who-must-not-be-named enter my head. And I let myself smile and giggle as the buzz saw continues to drone on. And the lesson sneaks in. (I try to make every social situation as didactic as possible.)
I would rather be alone than make out with a power tool. I was just over getting cut up.
I accepted an offer to party in Napa with J. We met up with a possible interest of hers and his cousin. J lays down subtle and not-so-subtle suggestions that I should hook up with this cousin. He seems cute enough. The way he forces his humor on the group gets to me. It's as if he pulled out a heady air freshener and keeps spraying it above the table. Maybe it wouldn't be so obnoxious if I wasn't drinking. I get it. Ok. Haha. After a jaunt to a pretentious bar, and a visit to a dive bar that seems to sit on the complete opposite side of the class spectrum, I am 5 shots deep and falling asleep on J's couch while she cuddles with S, and his cousin E, asks me to spoon with him.
I am pretending to sleep while J is kissing face with S, and E is snoring in my ear. I am tempted to lean over, grab my phone, and record his noise. I have never heard anything like it. I shift my weight a few times to jostle him, but it only gets me a minute or so of peace before he starts 'er up again. I am cuddling with a buzz saw.
When J and S move into her room to get some sleep, I pop up like a zombie corpse and S looks at me like I am one. (Oh I thought she was passed out! Weird!) and I stake my claim on the abandoned couch. Muffin the cat is my only night companion and I couldn't be happier. And I stretch out and happily leave buzz saw behind me. And I don't let he-who-must-not-be-named enter my head. And I let myself smile and giggle as the buzz saw continues to drone on. And the lesson sneaks in. (I try to make every social situation as didactic as possible.)
I would rather be alone than make out with a power tool. I was just over getting cut up.
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