mortify
v., -fied, -fy·ing, -fies.
v.tr.
To cause to experience shame, humiliation, or wounded pride; humiliate.
To discipline (one's body and physical appetites) by self-denial or self-inflicted privation.
Sooo.... I'm packing right now.
I am moving to Napa tomorrow. After unceremoniously being "kicked out" (although she did say she wasn't 'kicking me out'... she merely informed me she was no longer comfortable and felt the 'space was off' and that she 'shouldn't settle just because she needs money') and being accused of drinking her wine (No.) I am now upstairs, packing, just six weeks after my last move. I am upstairs packing while the lady is downstairs giving a dinner party where her daughter performs dances in a clear "Look at me, Mommy pay attention to me" fashion,while the lady shows off her boyfriend to her old flame in a "Look at me, old boyfriend, I'm just as happy as you are" fashion.
And I'm upstairs, packing.
Earlier in a feat of self-indulgence I ordered some green beans and fried rice from China Dragon. After I paid, I shoved my 3.95 change in my pocket and realized there was a tip jar filled with assorted bills saying "Hey Vanessa, you forgot to tip this nice man running a restaurant in a bad economy." So I pull out 2 bucks and all my change falls out of my pocket at the exact time a man approaches the register to pay. So I am squatting, bending over, what have you.. while I try to pick up quarters and dimes, and realize yes I am wearing the blue cords with the hole in the ass.. thinking God oh God.. of course.
I mean in the scheme of embarassing situations this falls pretty damn low, but all I had to do was laugh and think "Of course."
And what is the point of sharing one embarassing moment without sharing others?! I mean why leave your audience wanting more.
Just a few weeks ago I was closing up at work. The kids had left and I had some emails to respond to in my inbox. My door was open (crucial) and I had been harboring some bad gas for the last few hours. I let out a good, juicy fart or two, which I neeeeeeever do in public. Felt good. I stewed there in my gasses finishing up the emails for five more minutes.
As I left the room, a teen staff, Julian, jumped at me from the left side where he had been crouching behind the door. ZOMG was he there the whole time?! Did I smell?! He made no mention of it and promptly challenged me to fly a paper airplane with him. So either he didn't hear, or he found it strangely arousing.
back to packing...
v.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
need a pick me up?
This is actually a picture I took of a rubber duck in my Dad's pool and messed around with on my compy.
She has a nice situation
My situation with Joel (I hesitate to tag it with the term "relationship) is speedily and unexpectedly becoming the second longest "situation" I have been in with a man. Though judging from the quality of time spent and the comfort I have been feeling, it might as well be the longest.
I am not going through the stop-start bumpy-ass hayride of a situation I usually encounter with men. My days and time are easily compartmentalized, as I don't prioritize my time for him with the fear of "Who knows when he will be available again???" I don't feel myself agonizing "Why isn't he calling?" or "What does this mean?" My time apart from him is not causing minor anxiety as to whether or not he is meeting other women or being harassed by his friends about me. Joel actually has a life outside of his job where he does things other than sleep. I feel visibly comfortable around him. I don't re-adjust my position to a more flattering one, I eat, I let my nailpolish chip.
Most significantly, I am not pressuring myself or him to define what it is we are doing or what we are.
Part of this can be attributed to the fact that I am slowly feeling more comfortable with myself and acknowleding the fact that I am worth a good man. I have a lot more going for me than I credit myself, and though there are always things to change or accept and move on, I am a gem. That also means pushing away some aspects of someone that I (or what I think my friends may) see as not as attractive at first, and then discovering what lies beneath is actually worth my time and energy.
And I cannot help but constantly regret the fact that I cared so much about a man who was utterly NOT worth it.
To switch gears.... my friends were all over the fact that sylvester was a douche. All my friends are nothing but supportive, in whatever way they can be. There was a pattern - the friends who were in relationships (happily so) gently pointed out what a fucking tool sylvester was. Those friends who were single tried to be more forgiving of my choices and his actions, constantly looking for ways it might "work out." I would put myself into that second category, for the mere reason that I was lonely and needed validation from a man.
There, I said the thing women are never supposed to admit.
I have a dear single male BFF who conversed with me on that very fact. We make choices - bad ones - when it comes to who we give little parts of ourselves away to. At first we think "Oh this is nothing..." But the little voice in our head repeating "You are compromising yourself" gets in a little bit, and by the end of the night/next morning we feel totally cheap. in our defense... we are compelled by forces greater than ourselves. Here are some such forces:
Couples (happy ones)
Movies (any.. really)
Beautiful days outside
Rainy days inside
Music we used to kiss to
Smells of the people we crave
anything marketing the ability to attract others
and, so it doesn't seem like I am displacing blame - the greatest force is the lonliness we feel when seeing these things and the disconnect that tells us we have to be like everyone else and grasp at straws to rectify this emotion, when we only feel emptier.
Sometimes these choices are best understood by the ones who are dealt the same deck. However I know it's necessary to really hear the advice you don't want but need - those gentle reminders from friends who truely see you. It takes awhile to sink in but it's nice to know it's out there and available.
I am not going through the stop-start bumpy-ass hayride of a situation I usually encounter with men. My days and time are easily compartmentalized, as I don't prioritize my time for him with the fear of "Who knows when he will be available again???" I don't feel myself agonizing "Why isn't he calling?" or "What does this mean?" My time apart from him is not causing minor anxiety as to whether or not he is meeting other women or being harassed by his friends about me. Joel actually has a life outside of his job where he does things other than sleep. I feel visibly comfortable around him. I don't re-adjust my position to a more flattering one, I eat, I let my nailpolish chip.
Most significantly, I am not pressuring myself or him to define what it is we are doing or what we are.
Part of this can be attributed to the fact that I am slowly feeling more comfortable with myself and acknowleding the fact that I am worth a good man. I have a lot more going for me than I credit myself, and though there are always things to change or accept and move on, I am a gem. That also means pushing away some aspects of someone that I (or what I think my friends may) see as not as attractive at first, and then discovering what lies beneath is actually worth my time and energy.
And I cannot help but constantly regret the fact that I cared so much about a man who was utterly NOT worth it.
To switch gears.... my friends were all over the fact that sylvester was a douche. All my friends are nothing but supportive, in whatever way they can be. There was a pattern - the friends who were in relationships (happily so) gently pointed out what a fucking tool sylvester was. Those friends who were single tried to be more forgiving of my choices and his actions, constantly looking for ways it might "work out." I would put myself into that second category, for the mere reason that I was lonely and needed validation from a man.
There, I said the thing women are never supposed to admit.
I have a dear single male BFF who conversed with me on that very fact. We make choices - bad ones - when it comes to who we give little parts of ourselves away to. At first we think "Oh this is nothing..." But the little voice in our head repeating "You are compromising yourself" gets in a little bit, and by the end of the night/next morning we feel totally cheap. in our defense... we are compelled by forces greater than ourselves. Here are some such forces:
Couples (happy ones)
Movies (any.. really)
Beautiful days outside
Rainy days inside
Music we used to kiss to
Smells of the people we crave
anything marketing the ability to attract others
and, so it doesn't seem like I am displacing blame - the greatest force is the lonliness we feel when seeing these things and the disconnect that tells us we have to be like everyone else and grasp at straws to rectify this emotion, when we only feel emptier.
Sometimes these choices are best understood by the ones who are dealt the same deck. However I know it's necessary to really hear the advice you don't want but need - those gentle reminders from friends who truely see you. It takes awhile to sink in but it's nice to know it's out there and available.
Monday, March 2, 2009
as i wake
I just haven't ever really explored outside of the bedroom before. Most encounters were contained indoors, and now I am out there, seen as a kissing couple. A girl so moved by the movie she devours her date. Found staying in the theater, waiting for everyone to leave so she can have one more. If I kiss him standing up my knees get weak. I absolutely love it. I so long just NOT getting enough. It's like a dessert with no calories. It's like that first stream in a hot shower allll the time. Yum, yum yum.
all teacups all the time
A composite of four photos I took of a teacup in my Dad's garden on negative affects.
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