She has a nice situation

My situation with Joel (I hesitate to tag it with the term "relationship) is speedily and unexpectedly becoming the second longest "situation" I have been in with a man. Though judging from the quality of time spent and the comfort I have been feeling, it might as well be the longest.

I am not going through the stop-start bumpy-ass hayride of a situation I usually encounter with men. My days and time are easily compartmentalized, as I don't prioritize my time for him with the fear of "Who knows when he will be available again???" I don't feel myself agonizing "Why isn't he calling?" or "What does this mean?" My time apart from him is not causing minor anxiety as to whether or not he is meeting other women or being harassed by his friends about me. Joel actually has a life outside of his job where he does things other than sleep. I feel visibly comfortable around him. I don't re-adjust my position to a more flattering one, I eat, I let my nailpolish chip.

Most significantly, I am not pressuring myself or him to define what it is we are doing or what we are.

Part of this can be attributed to the fact that I am slowly feeling more comfortable with myself and acknowleding the fact that I am worth a good man. I have a lot more going for me than I credit myself, and though there are always things to change or accept and move on, I am a gem. That also means pushing away some aspects of someone that I (or what I think my friends may) see as not as attractive at first, and then discovering what lies beneath is actually worth my time and energy.

And I cannot help but constantly regret the fact that I cared so much about a man who was utterly NOT worth it.

To switch gears.... my friends were all over the fact that sylvester was a douche. All my friends are nothing but supportive, in whatever way they can be. There was a pattern - the friends who were in relationships (happily so) gently pointed out what a fucking tool sylvester was. Those friends who were single tried to be more forgiving of my choices and his actions, constantly looking for ways it might "work out." I would put myself into that second category, for the mere reason that I was lonely and needed validation from a man.

There, I said the thing women are never supposed to admit.

I have a dear single male BFF who conversed with me on that very fact. We make choices - bad ones - when it comes to who we give little parts of ourselves away to. At first we think "Oh this is nothing..." But the little voice in our head repeating "You are compromising yourself" gets in a little bit, and by the end of the night/next morning we feel totally cheap. in our defense... we are compelled by forces greater than ourselves. Here are some such forces:

Couples (happy ones)
Movies (any.. really)
Beautiful days outside
Rainy days inside
Music we used to kiss to
Smells of the people we crave
anything marketing the ability to attract others
and, so it doesn't seem like I am displacing blame - the greatest force is the lonliness we feel when seeing these things and the disconnect that tells us we have to be like everyone else and grasp at straws to rectify this emotion, when we only feel emptier.

Sometimes these choices are best understood by the ones who are dealt the same deck. However I know it's necessary to really hear the advice you don't want but need - those gentle reminders from friends who truely see you. It takes awhile to sink in but it's nice to know it's out there and available.