That still doesn't put the cream in the cupcake

I'm sorry if I liked you. I'm sorry if I paid attention to you. I'm sorry if ran my hand lovingly through your thick back hair. I'm sorry if I made you think what you said was important. I'm sorry I sucked on the crease of your neck. I'm sorry if I stashed you dirty little messages and revealed colors and textures and words. I'm sorry I lifted and spread an let you ruin my high.

Time on my hands.

This has been a gloriously unplanned and fun week without work. I was struggling at first on how to fill the time but it has not been an issue. After my Monday night romp I spent Tuesday with my happy Napa community (thanks to Miian) and a last minute trip to Sacramento for sweaty mariachi music.

Last night, with nothing to do, I traveled to the far land of Sonoma County and visited 3 men from my past, in sequential order by how long I have known them. It was spur of the moment, and another great day of my low-budget vaca.

First, a random stop at D's house, who was high out of his mind but happy to see me. Found out we now have the exact same car. It was great to catch up and have him back in my life. There is always an unspoken but palatable sexual tension between us... but I think D has a sexual tension with everyone, to be honest.

Next, a man from my past who is still very much in my life... and my vagina. Stopped by T's to give him his Christmas gift. His kiss goodbye felt really good and I felt like gobbling him up for some reason. But I restrained and headed to the next house.

Lastly, dinner with J and his roommate, which is always fun, boisterous and unexpected. Got an invite to cook at their house tonight for nye, and I might take them up on it since V bailed on me and decided to stay in Portland.

Drove home high on optimism and singing sexy lusty songs, taking my time on the road.

Tomorrow, dinner with an old dear friend.

Happy New Year.

So that's what it's supposed to look like

Attention, ladies and gentlefolk!

After 7 months of a sex with a partner that had the aggression of a floor lamp and the skill of an ottoman, (and the 3 months of emotional recovery following), I have been awaken! Slapped awake from a nearly 10 month period of hibernation!

I have been bounced, flipped, licked, bitten, pinched, invaded... and it was glorious.

Not only does he know where my vagina is, but he visited often. He stayed for tea and cookies, even.

Bon appetite!

Whip until soft peaks form

Ah, so long, so long since my last post.


Just finished an enormous Harry & David pear that changed my life for a few minutes. Perfectly ripe, sweet and juicy. I looked like a neanderthal eating it.


Time to get personal. I have a date with T tonight. This will be the first time it's just us - no restaurant to distract us or movie... he is house sitting and I will be cooking dinner with him and playing games. And maybe having sex. I'm kidding. Well... I've been good.


It's been three months since I've had sex (which is not that long in the scheme of things, I know) and T and I have been dating about a month and a half. We have not done the Deed and I have not spent the night. By this time I usually spread my legs. I have not technically given head either - I gave what I would like to call "Hesitation Head." (Men would hate me for this.) Usually I follow-through with the gesture, but T was never fully hard or kept losing his focus... maybe he was too drunk? Either way, I had to give up about 20 minutes into it with a sore jaw and ego. Part of it could be my problem as my head (no pun intended) isn't really into the game quite yet. T's dick is bigger than the last guy's and I need to get accustomed to it.

I had a disturbing dream last night too. Somehow I was convinced to make a porno with three girls and 5 guys, one of which was Steve Carell as Michael Scott from the Office. As soon as it was my "turn" to go down on Michael Scott, I gagged (literally, I could feel myself coughing something up) because his dick was completely covered with a really thick, white substance that looked like homemade whipped cream. (You know, the kind you make in a bowl with a whisk until your arm feels like it might fall off.) Only it wasn't whipped cream, and I knew that in my head.

I wonder if it was a premonition. I have been thinking of tonight a lot. This is the first time I will have time to just BE with a guy - neither of us have work tomorrow, no one else around, no other plans. It's exciting yet also very nerve wracking. This will be a test for T and me. If our conversation chemistry doesn't work itself out today then our future is doomed. It sounds melodramatic but it's true.

Getting back to work. You know I'll keep you posted - whomever you are!

V

It will come out in the wash.

I want to say thank you.

I am good at saying thank you.

To my losses, for teaching me how to be a winner.

To my downs, so I can be a pro at getting up.

To my mind and body, for showing me where beauty truly lies.

Regarding my hideous dating choices... thank you so I can spot a good one. And thank you universe, for allowing me to get back out there.

That night of sleep after a bad day. And the morning after.

Countless bad roommates. I'll make money writing about you someday.

A fuck it attitude. Sometimes, the best defense in the world.

To knowing that eventually, some shit doesn't matter. The one thing I wish kids would understand.

To my Mom continually sending her most significant gifts posthumously. Coping skills and a sense of humor. ....(Two very important things to be able to write a list like this one.)

To knowing what DOES matter.

To days without headaches.

To the day I had a flat tire and changed it by myself. On the street, in the pouring rain, while being sick. And refusing a man's help while changing my friend's 4 weeks later.

Or to the grease on my hands after changing the battery in my car.

To bad sex; and the greasy food you have the morning after... with your friends who have good sex.

To close calls and tight deadlines that give you butterflies so nice you do it over and over. And to still coming out on top, cause you knew you could do it anyways.

To pulling all nighters that stress you out so badly and that point at 4 in the morning when all that matters is sleep and you stop stressing over the paper and get that "fuck it" attitude (we all love so much) and you just want to get this paper DONE so you can sleep and you lose all inhibition and seem to spew out the best shit of your life and maybe it's because you're going mad you're so tired your brain is so gloriously calloused yet without a filter (?!) and there it goes you have 15 pages typed (where did that come from???) footnotes or endnotes print staple grande nonfat white mocha no whip and you show up to class looking like you stayed up all night and your professor ends up pushing the deadline back a week, the douche.

To looking at situations knowing that if you were involved, it would have changed everything.

To the mud, the rain, the gravel, the busted knee and mysterious bruise, the oil splatters and marinara driplets, chipped teeth and snag nails, split ends and cowlicks, burnt cookies and undercooked turkey, ripped jeans and broken shoelaces.

To being a survivor. Cheers.

Generation Gap

Been lax on writing, though I don't know who reads this.

It's supposed to snow in Napa tomorrow, which freaks me the fuck out. I don't need any black ice causing accidents! I commute to work. And I don't have snow chains.

It's funny the things we got excited about as children are now such a hassle because we look at it through our adult brains. Like Christmas. As a child, it was the most exciting time of year, mostly due to presents. My sister and I would wake up at 6 IN THE MORNING and drag our parents out of bed. Mom and Dad, I apologize for that. I now can appreciate that you were up all night creating that Christmas masterpiece and Heather and I ruined your well-deserved repose. As an adult, Christmas time is still nice and cozy, but fucking stressful. All I want is time off work where I can eat and sleep and spend all day in red, white, or green pajamas. Screw presents. Screw 6 am. I sleep til 10 now. And the first place I go is not the tree, but the coffee pot. Christmas gives the gift of time and sleep.

See, I work with children so I have a laundry list of these disconnects. Look at bedtime. As kids we never wanted to go to bed. Now, it is my favorite time of day besides meal breaks. Also, school. If I could spend my life sitting through class and learning, I would be a happy camper. I wish I could do school all over.

Running the mile? I used to fake sick at school so I didn't have to run it. I would also walk half of it so my time was around 20 minutes. Towards the end I would run, and my whole class had already finished, so they would cheer me on like it was the special Olympics. Now, I run at least 2 times a week. I can run a mile in 11 minutes. Send me back to middle school, give me an ipod, and I'll smoke my old time. Part of me wants to make the main focus of my 10 year reunion the fact that I run miles voluntarily, without stopping to walk, and I don't need to be cheered on.

Shopping? As a kid I would loathe furniture stores. I preferred the colorful mecca of Toys R Us. I love shopping for home now. Kitchen gadgets, bathmats, pillowcases, yes! I secretly plot the layout of my dream house. I sometimes play pretend in my head. It may look like I am browsing in Ikea; but I am looking at their pre-arranged living rooms and imagining myself making out with my fiancée on the couch or hosting a a chic cocktail party. Ikea is the happiest place on Earth.

Finally, boys. Childhood would show me hiding my face during the love scenes in movies. Now, it's my favorite part. Unless I'm around my Dad. If that's the case then I'll usually make an awkward comment about the movie lighting or get up and use the bathroom.

Secret Garden

I shaved my vagina tonight for the first time in a while.

I let it grow out a little, I guess as a part of my silent one-sided revolt against men. Since I have started dating a guy who has the least resemblance to a douchebag, I decided to hack through the thick undergrowth to reveal my glorious garden. It's like the plot of the secret garden (book, movie or play, take your pick) which I don't feel like describing, so go read/rent it.

A few other spotty updates...

Had the most surreal dream. Do not remember what exactly was going on, something reflecting on my real-life moving situation. I was in a dilapidated Victoria, completely corroded in the back, a giant hole eaten away. I walked to the hole and discovered the "backyard" housed a giant crater-like formation. growing out of the crater was a GIGANTIC tree with wispy, willowy branches that had a large girth, yet feathery greenery. The crater was dark, midnight. It was almost like twilight out, and the tree was a jewel like green, but I felt I was looking at it through a movie lens.. it was so dense and luscious yet it had a foggy glow about it. and there was a dark, ominous yet whimsical mood about it.

The weird thing was the tree took up everything in my vision. My peripherals, direct sight, everything. Almost like standing in an imax theater or one of those globe-like theaters that wrap around you.

I want to go back! This is the second dream of a tree that has haunted me both in the dream and afterwards.

Oh, and I have to move out by february. Did I mention that?

V